Happy New Year!

Buon Anno tutti! (Happy New Year everyone!)

With the octave of Christmas finished and a new year beginning I hope that everyone has a year filled with God's blessings.

Today I was thinking (pondering) a few dichotomies in my life:

1) My desire to be with God in heaven RIGHT NOW vs. my desire to live here and have a family RIGHT NOW
2) My desire to be alone with God all the time vs. my desire to be with people all the time
3) My desire to choose for God vs. my desire to choose for myself
4) My desire to effectively communicate vs. the shortcoming of languages and my lack of ability to use it to effectively.

1) WHERE? I have recently been experiencing frustration with my life here on earth (Not that I'm thinking of doing anything bad about it). I am frustrated that I experience God in a very limited fashion. Granted, most of the limitations are of my own construction... but nonetheless, I am tired of seeing God "dimly as in a mirror." I have a HUGE desire in my heart to be united with God in such a way that transcends comprehension and explanation. Why do I have to wait? Why can't I be taken to my heavenly home and finally be united to my Creator and Savior? I look forward with eager longing to the day the Lord takes me by the hand and leads me home. I wish it were right now. My heart is yearning for the Lord, like a dry and weary land without water.
On the other hand, I strongly desire to have a family. This is such a strong desire that my heart aches to be married and have children. I want to love and serve, to hold and protect, to grow and become one with another. Why can't I be married right now? What do I have to wait? I have great affection stored up that yearns to be released. I need to love and be loved. God wishes to love me and be loved by me, but while I am here on earth, I believe that the Lord wishes to accomplish this through people, and more specifically through a spouse.
How can I want these two seemingly contradictory things? God's plan. All things will come in time; I must be patient and go where the Lord is leading me at this moment. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

2)WHO? When I am at Mass or adoration, I have this great desire to never leave. The Lord comes and touches me and I experience His great love. I want the moment to go on forever. I wish I could live in the sanctuary and adoration chapel in constant adoration and presence of the Lord. Oh how my heart longs...
But when I am with my friends, I want to remain with them in fellowship and communion loving and serving them as Christ in my life. I love my friends so much that I want to be with them always as companions on the journey. I cannot stand being alone, unless I am in the physical presence of Christ in the Eucharist. I get very lonely very quickly.
If I am in adoration always, I will never experience the joys of people. Yet I cannot get so caught up with people that I never take time alone with the Lord.

3)FOR? I desire to please the Lord, so I want to make choices that will bring me closer to Him. I want to be Christ to everyone I encounter; I want to serve Christ in all I meet. I want to be an example of gentleness and humility for others; I want to love them as Christ loves them. Yet I have other desires and wants. Human desires that I do not want to wait for the Lord to fulfill. I want to be happy (like everyone) so I make choices and do things that I think will bring me immediate happiness. They do bring immediate happiness - but it lasts only a few moments and than fades leaving me emptier than before. You would think I would learn; but no, I continue to choose for myself instead of the Lord. I sin each and every day (but hopefully less as time goes on!)

4)HOW? Oh, how I have experienced the shortcomings of human language. I can never totally express what is in my heart. The love, the longing, the desires, the lack of understanding, the frustrations, the joys, the sorrows. I long to share these things, yet I fall short in expressing the fullness of the reality of who I am. The world according to Christopher gets lost in translation from the heart to words. I find that sometimes non-verbal communication like a hug or a kiss communicates so much more than words can.

All in all my life is filled with these different things seemingly pulling me in different directions, but in the big picture they are all tools that the Lord uses to pull me closer to Himself. Oh how blessed am I to know and see these things. I ponder them in my heart like Mary pondered all that Jesus said and did.

God bless and happy new year,
-Christopher